Kat Beyer
artist & writer
art@katspaw.com
| Tips on writing your own holy book | |
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Note: this brief guide was first given out at Burning Man 2003 (theme: Beyond Belief). So perhaps you've figured out the way things ought to be, and now you want to spread the good word. How to go about it? Here are two potential alternatives. People have used the first method for at least two millennia with great success; I personally like the second method better, though you won't necessarily rack up millions of believers right away if you use it. First method: 1. Tell everyone that what you're saying is the absolute truth. Nothing sells like confidence. If at all possible make your holy book really big and your sermons really loud. 2. Tell everyone you got this information from someone bigger and stronger than you, and preferably someone invisible to everyone else. 3. See if you can get persecuted for a few years for your beliefs. People love an underdog, and they are impressed by determination and by a willingness to do totally insane things like sit out in the desert with no water. 4. Denigrate the unbelievers. Point to specific crimes. Are they still eating pig? Are they not participating? 5. Denigrate women. Apparently this works like a charm, although it's not clear why. 6. Include a few taboos. They can make sense if you like, particularly if they match the internal logic of your text, but throw in a few weird ones as well. People will wonder what you know that they don't. Besides it's always good for a laugh. 7. If possible write this book during difficult times. You're going to need a big market of people craving certainty, so uncertain times can only help you. 8. Don't forget to both obliquely and directly encourage people to kill anyone who doesn't agree with you. This is yet another method of demonstrating that you are absolutely right, while at the same time reducing the number of people who are likely to disagree with you. Second method:
1. If you think you've figured out a good way to live, lead by example. 2. If people start following you around, be patient. Remind them as often as possible that they are going to have to go it alone when it comes to finding the truth. 3. Write beautifully and tell jokes, even bad ones. 4. Don't put up with crap from people using the first method. No killing -- just vigorous self-defense in every sense of the word.
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